19 July 2007

Rumor Retaliation

by Joshua Worley

There are a lot of dumb trade rumors involving the Dodgers floating around on various websites. It's time to grab a few and make some counter-proposals.

The Rumor: Troy Glaus to the Dodgers

The Counter: How about Nomar Garciaparra to the Blue Jays. Or, how about Nomar is traded to Las Vegas for Andrew LaRoche. Now there's a trade that makes sense. ( I know Nomar can't really be sent down. ) This rumor is silly enough without finding out what the Dodgers are supposed to give up for the glossy Glaus. The worst part of this is that the intended target also buys into the myth behind this half trade proposal. Said Glaus: "I think it's just a bunch of guys putting one and one together -- L.A. needs a third baseman, so why not me?" Does Andy LaRoche ever think the same thing, I wonder?

The Rumor: Dontrelle Willis to the Dodgers

The Counter: The Dodgers already have enough pitchers with a +5 ERA, thanks. So, the counter proposal is that the Dodgers get Willis for one very low-grade prospect, instead of the Loney or Kemp the rumor-mongers probably had in mind. How come all the stupid trades involving the Dodgers always feature them being ripped off or getting the crappy player? Where are the rumors involving Miguel Cabrera or Hanley Ramirez going to the Dodgers? And hey, just because the Dodgers have Nomar doesn't mean they want every name player who has fallen on hard times.

The Rumor: Octavio Dotel for James Loney or Matt Kemp

The Counter: Why not ask for both Loney and Kemp, and then try to bargain the Dodgers down to just one of them? Forget about Dotel to be the eighth inning set-up man. I hear there's a dynamite set-up man out there who strikes out more than a batter per inning and has a 2.57 ERA, and to top it off he has 23 holds with only two blown saves. He's everything you'd ever want in a set-up guy. I'm sure the Dodgers can get him for almost nothing because no one seems to realize how good he is ... he has a weird name ... Oxton or something. The Dodgers should trade for him.

The Rumor: Scott Proctor for Wilson Betemit

The Counter: Instead of trading a young power hitter with plate discipline for a reliever with dog-meat peripherals and a lucky ERA, how about the starter of this rumor be forced to make an unnecessary visit to the proctologist's office for every outlet that printed this one. Does Dodgerama count as an "outlet"? Um ... no. ( To be fair, I think this one was a fantasy of someone in the Yankees front office, not a writer's fantasy. Still, I'm insisting on the proctologist visits for whoever came up with it. )

The Rumor: Mark Teixeira for James Loney and Clayton Kershaw

The Counter: Evan Grant of the Dallas Morning News for Bill Plaschke of the LA Times. I have to sleep on this one, though.


DXMachina said...

The Glaus thing started because some writer in Toronto saw some Dodger scouts at Rogers Centre and figured the only possible explanation was that they were there to scout Glaus. More likely they were probably just the advance scouts for the interleague series with the Jays.

Xeifrank said...

Funny stuff, keep up the good work.
vr, Xei

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