20 April 2009

Game 13 Unfair Win Shares

When Will Ohman came up to bat during Saturday's Dodger game this past weekend, I noticed his bat. I thought it looked strange. Sort of ugly, fascinatingly ugly, like one of those fused mosaic kittens that results when two early stage embryos merge. "I wonder whose bat that is?" I said to my wife. My theory was that it was probably some outcast utility bat that they made relief pitchers use.

"No player is going to want this bats used by a relief pitcher," I confidently asserted. "He would be afraid of the pitcher breaking the bat, or of bad luck rubbing off onto the bat." I know things about baseball, you see. That's why I'm qualified to award unfair win shares.

Of course, it turns out that bat that Ohman went on to get a hit with was Manny's bat. That I was wrong about whose bat does not surprise me at all. What does surprise me is that I have never noticed how ugly Manny's bats were before. How many times have I watched Manny bat? His at bats are mandatory viewing, after all. You don't leave the room when he strides to the plate. And yet it's the one time when Manny's bat is being used by someone else that I fixate on it.

Yesterday's win was a laugher, which is a happy coincidence, because it happens that this very morning the physical form of a laugher share can be revealed! It is bobble-belly of Tommy Lasorda, dressed as a blue Dodger clown. There is a pull string in the back which, when pulled, will cause the tiny plastic Tommy to let out a tremendous belly laugh. If you pull the string enough times, the tiny plastic Tommy will instead launch into a profanity enhanced tirade about Dave Kingman.

Now, the moment when yesterday's 14-2 Dodger victory over the Rockies because a laugher is obvious --- when reliever Scott Elbert ripped a double --- with Manny's bat! So who gets the laugher share? Is it Elbert, who actually hit the absurd double? But it was Manny's magical ugly bat that gave him the power to do that, so maybe Manny should get the laugher share. But what about Martin? He has something to do with this too, for many witnesses have described a brief dugout ceremony in which there was a "laying of hands" upon the bat. Martin's hands, that is. Was he giving power to the bat, or feeding off it, like some sort of Canadian vampire batter?

Maybe the ugly bat deserves the laugher share. This is a tempting solution, but since the bat can't hold up the tiny plastic bobble-belly Tommy in triumph this just won't do. The laugher share will be shared equally by Martin, Manny, and Elbert. They can all hold it aloft together, brothers in laughter. As for who ultimately gets possession of the physical laugher share from this game, I think that will have to be settled by a tontine between Martin, Manny, and Elbert.

Oh yeah, and Matt Kemp did pretty good yesterday too. Whatever.

Unfair Win Shares ( Dodgers )

Kemp -- 2
Hudson -- 1

Laugher Share ( Dodgers )

J. Martin -- 1/3
Manny -- 1/3
Elbert -- 1/3

Unfair Loss Shares ( Rockies )

Jiminez -- 2
Belisle -- 1

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