09 May 2009

Game 31 Unfair Loss Shares

Casey Blake enters the interview room.

Casey Blake. Blakebeard, if you will. You struck out with runners on first and second in the eighth inning, when you were the go ahead run. Why didn't you hit a home run?

I tried to walk instead. That guy had a good fastball. It was all I could do to foul them off.

Oh, so you were going to leave it to the next hitter? Make him catch up to that fastball?


So you tried to walk, and you failed even at that! You should get an unfair loss share right there.

It was a 12 pitch at bat, and the last pitch was really ball four, but the umpire called it a strike. Also I drove in the only Dodger run of the night.

Oh, is that it? You drive in one run and you think that's enough? I'll give you 3 unfair loss shares for that! Nah, I'm kidding. You're okay, Blake. You can go to the green room.

Blake leaves. Juan Pierre enters the interview room.

Little Juan Pierre. Juan-for-five, if you will.

Actually I was 1 for 2 with a walk and a hit by ---

Silence! I know what your stats were! The nickname stands!

Don't hate me because I don't fit your vision of what a good player should be. I play my game and play it well.

Sometimes I think you'll play your game to the detriment of the team. Why would you try to steal third with Ethier at the plate? Don't you know Molina is back there?

I'm faster than a speeding Molina throw.

No, you're not. You were out.

I was safe. You should give me the nickname "he hate me", because it's clear all the umpires hate me.

I saw the replay; you were out. And aside from that, why do you keep trying to steal bases when Furcal is up next? He's not likely to hit into a double play.

He hit into two, and would have hit into a third if I wasn't going when he hit it!

That -- that was an outlier, just like your high on base percentage so far this season! Urgh, very well. You may go to the yellow room.

Pierre leaves. Furcal enters the interview room.

Rafael Furcal. Furbolg, if you will. You hit into two double plays, and nearly into a third. What do you have to say for yourself?

If Juan had done what he usually does he wouldn't have been on base and I wouldn't have hit into all those double plays. It's his fault.

Begone! Straight to the orange room with you!

No, not the orange room! I had a double.

You also had a strikeout with runners on, in addition to all of your horrible double plays. The sharemaster has spoken. You must enter the orange room. In fact, you must enter it twice.

Furcal leaves twice. Billingsley enters the interview room.

Chad Billingsley. Benjamins, if you will.

No, I won't. Benjamins? What kind of stupid nickname is that?

See, because Billingsley leads to Bills leads to hundred dollar bills, which are benjamins, and also because you're so money.

That's dumb.

Not as dumb as Torre leaving you in to hit and then having you pitch the seventh when you were clearly gassed. You can head to the green room, with a warning not to walk so many in the future, but on your way tell Torre he's getting a pointy-haired loss share.

Billingsley leaves. Ethier enters the interview room.

Andre Ethier. Andre the Dodger, if you will. Anybody want a peanut? Ha ha. Okay, now seriously, you popped up to the catcher with the bases loaded in the fifth inning and two outs. That was the game right there! What do you have to say for yourself?

It shouldn't have been me coming up, it should have been Ma--

Don't you dare say the M-word! You are immediately banished to the orange room!

Andre leaves. The session is closed.

Unfair Loss Shares ( Dodgers )

Furcal -- 2 (4-3)
Ethier -- 1 (5-5)

Pointy-Haired Loss Shares ( Dodgers )

Torre -- 1

Unfair Win Shares ( Giants )

Zito -- 1
Wilson -- 1
Renteria -- 1


Dave said...

Dave: Fantastic! Made me chuckle.

Dodgerama: Why, thank you very much. I thought people would enjoy...

Dave: Never write like that again!

Dodgerama: What? I thought you said you liked it?!

Dave: Yes, but the Dodgers still lost - and to the Giants no less.

Dodgerama: But the game was over. It was a post-game report...

Dave: Still, you can never be too careful where Dodger losing streaks are concerned.

Joshua Worley said...

They won today! So it wasn't a jinx.

I think sometimes I have the most fun writing the posts when the Dodgers lose, maybe because I NEED to have fun to take away the sting of the Dodger loss.

I hope that doesn't make me sound like a horrible Giants fan or anything.